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| Eileen Flanagan |
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Most episodes of the Social Work Podcast pick out huge topics - similar stigma, suicide, together with cognitive-behavior therapy, together with endeavour to distill them into 30-minute overviews. Today's podcast flips that on its head. Today we're spending over 30 minutes to unpack 25 words. My promise is that listeners acquire something most the Serenity prayer - something that they tin contain into their social piece of work teaching or practice. In today's social piece of work podcast, I spoke alongside Eileen Flanagan, author of the honor winning book, The Wisdom to Know the Difference: When to Make a Change-and When to Let Go
Her majority was endorsed past times His Holiness the Dalai Lama. She holds a B.A. from Duke together with an M.A. from Yale together with teaches at the University of the Arts inwards Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. You tin read to a greater extent than most her piece of work at her website, http://www.eileenflanagan.com. And now, on to Episode 61 of the Social Work Podcast: The Wisdom To Know the Difference: an Interview alongside Eileen Flanagan.
Bio
Eileen Flanagan is a author together with instructor whose piece of work helps people to alive alongside less anxiety. Her newest book, The Wisdom to Know the Difference: When to Make a Change-and When to Let Go, explores the message of the Serenity Prayer, accepting the things nosotros cannot modify together with changing those nosotros can. Endorsed past times the Dalai Lama, the majority won a 2010 Silver Nautilus Book Award. Eileen’s articles receive got appeared on the Huffington Post, Beliefnet, together with the Washington Post’s On Faith column, every bit good every bit a diverseness of impress magazines. She holds a B.A. from Duke together with an M.A. from Yale together with teaches at University of the Arts inwards Philadelphia. You tin read to a greater extent than most her piece of work through her website http://www.eileenflanagan.com/.Transcript
Jonathan Singer: Eileen cheers so much for beingness here, together with talking alongside us today most the Serenity Prayer, most the wisdom to know the difference, together with my commencement inquiry for you lot is, inwards the introduction to your book, you lot speak most the origins of the Serenity Prayer, together with you lot included an before version that's dissimilar from the 1 most people know, together with I was wondering if you lot could read the before version, together with merely speak to us a petty flake most how this version, the early version, gives us insight into the pregnant of the to a greater extent than commonly known one.Eileen Flanagan: Sure, good commencement cheers for having me here. And why don't I read both so that your listeners tin hear the deviation themselves. The commencement 1 that I learned together with the 1 that most people know goes similar this, "God grant me the tranquillity to pick out the things I cannot change, courage to modify the things I tin change, together with wisdom to know the difference." Now every bit I started doing enquiry on this, I institute out that the prayer was originally written past times Reinhold Niebuhr, whose a protestant theologian, at commencement people thought he wrote it inwards the '40s but at 1 time they've dug upwardly fifty-fifty before versions, together with he belike wrote it inwards the '30s although it was the '40s when it became famous, together with the version that his missy sites inwards her majority on the prayer goes similar this, "God give us grace, to pick out alongside tranquillity the things that cannot last changed, courage to modify the things that should last changed, together with wisdom to distinguish the 1 from the other."
Jonathan Singer: So those do sound different.
Eileen Flanagan: They receive got a form of dissimilar trend together with tone, but some of the subtle changes also tin shift the meaning. One of the words that unremarkably jumps out every bit beingness dissimilar is the "should," together with I sometimes give weekend retreats and, volition give people the ii versions of the prayer together with enquire them to reverberate on which 1 speaks to them, together with it's real interesting how people answer to the give-and-take "should," at that spot are some people who experience very, beaten downward alongside "shoulds" inwards their life; "I should consume less sugar" "I should exercise more" "I should non pass so much fourth dimension reading email at work" together with so they hear that give-and-take "should" together with they rebel against it, together with they tell I don't demand anymore "shoulds" inwards my life, I don't desire some prayer telling me what I "should" do. It's interesting because, Niebuhr was, real concerned alongside social judge issues, he was speaking during World War II, he was real outspoken most racism together with anti-Semitism together with poverty, together with so when I hear the "should," I hear, the societal "shoulds," for him nosotros should address segregation inwards the south, nosotros should address poverty, together with that to me has a dissimilar form of connotation, it has a challenge inwards it, but non so much nagging, to a greater extent than the possibility that nosotros mightiness last able to modify things that nosotros don't think nosotros can, together with so I ever think of the Civil Rights Movement, at the fourth dimension Nieburh read this prayer, he could non receive got imagined the changes that would occur inwards the adjacent 20 years, although he felt nosotros should modify those things if the metric had been, tin nosotros modify it? I don't think people would receive got bothered trying, you lot know what I mean? The Montgomery Bus Boycott, when it started had no thought what it would atomic number 82 to, they genuinely did non think they would attain what they did, together with so to me that give-and-take "should" tin be, an opening of possibilities, rather than a limitation. But if we're speaking most our ain lives, you lot know, sometimes the give-and-take "can" is to a greater extent than helpful, so dissimilar versions of the prayer mightiness check dissimilar situations. The other affair I'd indicate out most the difference, is that the most mutual version is inwards the singular, God grant me to modify what I tin change, together with that version is sometimes said inwards the plural, inwards the recovery movement, but the Niebuhr version is definitely inwards the plural, together with so that 1 time to a greater extent than shifts the pregnant a petty bit, you lot know, are nosotros focused merely on my ain life, which is a real appropriate utilization of the prayer, but I think it tin also apply to those bigger things that mightiness last able to modify together, which neither of us could modify past times ourselves.
Jonathan Singer: So it sounds like, the to a greater extent than mutual version of the prayer is really, a personal, version together with the before version that you lot read, was genuinely intended every bit a communal thing, what tin nosotros do, what should nosotros do every bit a community.
Eileen Flanagan: Yeah, together with I can't I'm an skilful on Niebuhr's intentions, but that's how I hear it from the flake I know most his life. I think both receive got a communal aspect, because he was a preacher giving sermons, so he was addressing a community, together with inwards AA community is genuinely of import or inwards every recovery movements, the community is real of import but it is to a greater extent than focused on changing private lives rather than changing social structures, for example. The 3rd deviation that I would indicate out is that Niebuhr's version says, God grant us grace, together with so the other things are off shoots of grace, whereas the recovery prayer, or the prayer that's to a greater extent than commonly used merely says, God grant me tranquillity together with courage, and, both of them start alongside God, but it makes sense to me that the recovery displace uses, merely God, together with non God grant me grace, which to me, anyway has a to a greater extent than Christian connotation, it has a to a greater extent than specifically religion, we're depending on God for all of this form of connotation, together with I think 1 of the things the recovery displace has been so successful at, is opening upwardly spirituality, to say, nosotros believe inwards something bigger than ourselves but nosotros don't attention what you lot telephone telephone it, you lot know, nosotros desire to welcome everybody, you lot figure out what this give-and-take God way to you, but we're non trying to bound anyone's agreement of that, together with so that reference to a higher ability tin last an invitation rather than 1 time to a greater extent than sort of a scolding, you lot receive got to purchase into this theology, whereas I think the give-and-take “grace”, some people honey the give-and-take “grace” but for other people it has baggage. So it makes sense to me that that give-and-take got dropped every bit the prayer [chuckle] got to a greater extent than popular.Jonathan Singer: So it’s interesting because, it sounds similar the before version, is much to a greater extent than about, what should nosotros every bit a Christian community do, to, ameliorate the world, together with the Serenity Prayer every bit is commonly used today, inwards the recovery movement, it, intentionally avoids saying, this is a Christian thing, together with says, to a greater extent than what tin I do, what tin I sympathize most what I tin control, what I can’t, together with how tin I brand changes inwards my life.
Eileen Flanagan: Yeah that’s how I hear it, how tin I brand changes alongside the back upwardly of my community, together with it’s interesting how, that give-and-take “God” yet has a religious connotation to some people but the way AA together with other recovery groups utilization it, has opened it up. One of the people I interviewed is a Buddhist, who’s been inwards recovery for 20 years, together with so he talked most how, okay, so this is non my language, you lot know a lot of these things are yet from the Judeo Christian tradition fifty-fifty if people think they’re not, it feels real Judeo Christian to me but it’s opened upwardly plenty that I tin convey my Buddhist agreement to it, together with I tin see the way that these words apply, to my life together with my agreement of spirituality.
Jonathan Singer: So inwards your book, “The Wisdom to Know the Difference,” you lot genuinely unpack, the Serenity Prayer, and, I was wondering, if you lot could speak a petty bit, about, for the people that you lot interviewed, how would they decease about, identifying the things that they couldn’t change, together with then, how do they decease most accepting them.
Eileen Flanagan: Well I think it depends a lot on the person, together with the situation, at that spot are some situations where it’s clear that you’re non going to last able to change, something, but coming to credence mightiness last an internal process, you lot know of, coming to peace alongside that, together with that’s some other affair most the give-and-take “acceptance,” you lot tin pick out it inwards a, superficial way without genuinely beingness at peace alongside it, and, together with 1 time to a greater extent than that gets into the inquiry of injustice too, you lot don’t receive got to last happy most everything that you lot accept, for illustration 1 of the people I interviewed, her boy was killed inwards Iraq, well, she accepted that that’s what happened, but that doesn’t hateful she’s got to last happy most it. The give-and-take doesn’t necessarily receive got to receive got that connotation. But inwards some other way, when nosotros speak most letting go, which is 1 of the chapters inwards the book, nosotros are talking most coming to peace alongside something, together with so at that spot were some cases, where, that was genuinely a choice, is someone gonna pick out the fact that her hubby left her alongside a immature child, for illustration is 1 of the people I interviewed, together with that she’s non going to last able to convince him to come upwardly dorsum together with she should genuinely halt trying because that’s non helping anything. There’s that form of situation, there’s, the province of affairs of 1 the most traumatic stories for me of letting go, of a human being I interviewed named Dan Gottlieb, who is an author together with Philadelphia radio speak exhibit host, together with when I had commencement started hearing him on the radio I didn’t realize that Dan had been paralyze inwards a auto accident 30 years ago, from the waist down, together with he talked most how he was genuinely forced to acquire to allow go, this was non a choice, allow me last at peace alongside my province of affairs it was thrust on him, together with he had to bargain alongside that, and, went through many hard years, struggled alongside depression, lost his married adult woman together with his best friend inwards the process, had a lot of wellness issues that proceed because of his paralysis, but what helped him, come upwardly to, to a greater extent than peaceful house inwards his life, was learning genuinely most Buddhist meditation together with mindfulness, together with the thought of beingness introduce to what is, together with appreciating what is instead of ever having your hear focused on what you lot wishing things were. So 1 of the, stories he tells that genuinely has helped me belike to a greater extent than than whatever other, story inwards the book, is he talks most the picture, together with how nosotros oftentimes receive got a painting inwards our hear of how things should be, together with he tells this story of a woman, who got married together with she had this painting of what her perfect hubby should be, together with so he wasn’t that, together with so she was disappointed, together with then, other things happened that weren’t her painting of her life together with she was disappointed, together with so she thought, good my daughter’s getting married that volition brand me happy, but that guy wasn’t the painting either, together with at the halt he says, she says she’s had a hapless life, together with he says, the work was the picture, goose egg else, that she couldn’t genuinely appreciate these people inwards her life because she was mensuration them against, whatever form of myth she had inwards her mind, together with I discovery that that is genuinely truthful inwards large things together with inwards modest things, the alone selection left to me is, am I going to receive got a goodness mental attitude most it, or a bad mental attitude most it, together with there’s some situations where that ‘s genuinely clear, I can’t halt the snow, at that spot are a lot of other situations where it gets much to a greater extent than murky, together with having difficulty inwards a human relationship at work, or alongside someone inwards my family, inwards those cases the line betwixt what do I demand to accept, together with what do I demand to modify tin acquire a lot to a greater extent than blurry.
Jonathan Singer: So it makes sense that 1 of the ways people tin pick out things is by, figuring out what vision they have, inwards their hear for how things should be, together with then, genuinely merely getting inwards reality alongside how things are.
Eileen Flanagan: Yeah together with I would tell paying attending to the materials inwards our hear is a telephone commutation inwards lots of ways, so knowing what my painting is, together with when I demand to allow decease of it, is 1 thing, some other is knowing, myself together with my social conditioning, my, personal strengths, I think, 1 of the things that’s interesting to me most the prayer is a lot of people tend to discovery 1 line, to a greater extent than hard than the others, I think that some people grow upwardly inwards ways that they sort of facial expression the solid soil to autumn into line alongside their expectations, perchance they’ve had a privileged background or a household unit of measurement that catered to them or whatever, together with so when they hitting a situation, where, they don’t’ acquire their way, it’s excruciating, it’s genuinely hard so to accept, those things, whereas at that spot are a lot of other people who, don’t acquire their way real much every bit children, alive inwards a solid soil that is clearly non inwards their control, peculiarly if you lot grow upwardly you lot know inwards a dysfunctional household unit of measurement or something where there’s lots going on that you lot receive got no command over, you lot mightiness grow upwardly used to beingness powerless, together with for that person, taking the first to modify something that they could change, if they took proactive steps, mightiness last the affair that’s to a greater extent than difficult. So 1 of the things I speak most is reflecting on your life, together with it could last influenced past times your religious background, it could last your educational background, class, race, gender, generation, there’s lots of things that tin play into it, together with it’s real complex. I mean, for myself, I’m, a white middle class, someone alongside an Ivy League education, but I’m also from a working shape Irish Gaelic household unit of measurement that has petty fatalism running through it, together with I’m a woman, together with I tin see how inwards dissimilar situations those dissimilar things influence me, what is to a greater extent than hard for me, letting go, accepting, maxim okay, I position this inwards the hands of some higher power, you lot know that someone mightiness demand to learn, to criterion upwardly a petty flake to a greater extent than sometimes, or, at that spot are other people who, for their growth every bit a someone demand to acquire to allow decease together with relax together with say, okay I don’t demand to command this.
Jonathan Singer: I genuinely similar this thought that, at that spot are these dissimilar components of the Serenity Prayer together with that, it mightiness last easier, for somebody to pick out the things that they cannot change, whereas for other folks, letting go, or accepting that you lot don’t receive got control, would last the challenge, together with so I was wondering if you, if you lot could percentage a story most somebody who gained the courage to change.
Eileen Flanagan: Sure, 1 of the stories I tell inwards the majority is of a adult woman named Hillary Beard who was stuck inwards a chore that she genuinely institute dissatisfying. She was belike perchance around 30 when she started thinking most wanting to modify careers, she could pass 30 to a greater extent than years beingness genuinely hapless doing something genuinely boring, together with she’s a real smart person, who, could receive got done a lot of other things, but she was real scared to brand a change, together with so she talks most some of the things that helped her, together with I’ll merely outline a twosome of them. One was changing her assumptions most what was possible, together with she gives the real specific illustration of, beingness a dark adult woman who wanted to decease a writer, and, realizing that her father, who, had been real successful who was 1 of the commencement African American metropolis planners of his level, inwards his city, had, trained his kids like, this is what you lot demand to do to last successful inwards American, together with 1 of the things he had said when she expressed an involvement inwards a creative career early on, was, dark people can’t succeed at that, you’re a dark woman, decease into line organisation you lot know, this is the road for you, together with so she had followed that advice, together with so she describes, it was inwards the early ‘90s having this experience of turning over 3 dissimilar books. She institute 1 by, Alice Walker, 1 past times Terri McMillan, together with 1 past times Toni Morrison, together with hither on the dorsum of each 1 was this large beautiful painting of a dark woman, together with Hillary describes, having this instant of realizing that affair that I believe isn’t truthful anymore, together with she makes a indicate that it wasn’t that her dad was giving her bad advice, I hateful he came upwardly inwards a real fossil oil time, together with there’s yet racism inwards the publishing industry, but this bound that she thought was impermeable, clearly had shifted, together with so that was the instant when she, institute the courage to decease start taking writing classes, because she said this, this barrier isn’t at that spot anymore together with I shouldn’t allow the barrier inwards my hear halt me. The other things she did, together with she says that this is 1 of the things she got out of Corporate America is knowing how to brand a plan, [chuckle] together with how to laid goals, she gathered a few other people, inwards her piece of work surroundings who also wanted to brand a career change, together with they would run across over lunch, on a regular basis, together with back upwardly each other, so commencement of all she had community, but they also supported each other inwards setting real specific goals; where do you lot desire to last inwards v years, so imagine it, together with then, write downward what you lot demand to do to acquire there, together with constituent of what I honey most this story is there’s been all these books most the Law of Attraction, together with thinking positively, together with at that spot genuinely is something to that, but I think that if you lot think of it every bit magic, I’m merely gonna, imagine where I desire to last inwards v years, that is non genuinely what works. [laughter]
Jonathan Singer: Right, you lot can’t visualize, changing careers together with so receive got somebody say, Oh my goodness, Hillary, allow me offering you lot the career you lot want!
Eileen Flanagan: Yeah together with actually, when you lot acquire on your path sometimes those miraculous things happen, I’m a Quaker together with nosotros utilization the term, “Way Opening,” that when you lot are making those steps inwards the correct direction, sometimes, you lot do acquire the telephone telephone out of the blue, which Hillary did actually, but you lot don’t acquire the telephone telephone out of the blueish until you lot do some solid soil work. You can’t merely imagine beingness a author together with so facial expression to acquire the call, so what Hillary did was she made these real specific steps that she would receive got to take, together with she said that she was terrified, partly because, her manful someone bring upwardly was a real strong, positive figure inwards her life, but this meant going against, what her father’s advice was. So it was real frightening, for her, together with so she would do a petty affair each day. She said, 1 twenty-four hours she would convey her telephone majority into work, this was dorsum when people genuinely used telephone books [chuckle] to facial expression things up, so she brought a telephone majority into piece of work 1 day. The adjacent twenty-four hours she went through together with she circled or made a listing of all the colleges that mightiness offer, a continuing ed class, that’s a petty thing, I tin do that it’s non every bit good scary. The adjacent twenty-four hours she called, each of the places on the listing together with asked for a catalogue, that’s a petty affair that non every bit good scary. And she said that past times breaking it downward into doing at petty affair every day, all of a precipitous she’s enrolled inwards a writing course of instruction together with she said that was scary but past times then, she was excited because she had taken all these petty steps.
Jonathan Singer: Yet she had been successful, she had laid out short, measurable, achievable, objectives, together with she had done them, together with so past times the fourth dimension she had gotten into the classroom, she’s like, oh I tin do this cus I did those things.
Eileen Flanagan: Right, exactly. So, she gets neat feedback on her writing inwards the writing class. She decides to attend a writer’s conference, together with she lays out all these petty things that she did, she started writing articles because, she had corporate experience at that spot were some, writing opportunities that came to her that helped her gear upwardly her experience, so that past times the fourth dimension she takes the large leap, to decease a full-time writer, she does acquire a miraculous call, I hateful you lot joked most no one’s going to telephone telephone you, someone called her out of the blueish together with asked her to co-write a majority on values alongside Venus together with Serena Williams.
Jonathan Singer: The lawn tennis champions.
Eileen Flanagan: Yes! That was 1 of her commencement books, she has at 1 time written vii books I think, a few of them are best sellers, so the telephone telephone out of the blueish does happen, but she did an awful lot of leg work. There are a lot of other threads to Hillary’s story but, I think those things of having community, setting measurable goals, together with paying attending to your thinking, tin all last genuinely helpful when someone is trying to brand a scary change.
Jonathan Singer: And 1 of the things that I got out of what you lot said is that, the courage to change, is incremental. So we’ve talked, so far, about, granting me the tranquillity to pick out the things I cannot change, the courage to modify the things I can, together with now, [chuckle] we’re at the championship of the book, together with the finally line, and, how do people know the wisdom to know the difference? To know the deviation betwixt what they cannot modify together with the things they tin change.
Eileen Flanagan: Well 1 of the things I similar most that before version of the Serenity Prayer, is the line, “the wisdom to distinguish the 1 from the other,” which is a much less catchy majority title, [laughter] together with so I similar “The Wisdom to Know the Difference” every bit a title, but the give-and-take “know,” makes it sound similar something definite together with final, together with “distinguish” is to a greater extent than of a process, together with it is an ongoing procedure of learning what nosotros tin together with cannot change, so some things that assist people, to develop that wisdom, 1 I think is learning from your mistakes. Psychologists receive got tried to come upwardly up with, a Definition of wisdom that everyone tin handgrip on, together with they can’t, but at that spot are some things that they agree, are qualities that wise people share, together with 1 of them is that they acquire from their mistakes, together with so I institute that every bit I was looking for people to interview, I tended to start alongside older people, and, what I realized is that you lot tin alive a long fourth dimension together with non acquire from your mistakes so it’s non that, beingness eighty automatically makes you lot wise, but if you lot acquire from your mistakes together with you lot alive to eighty you lot belike volition receive got [chuckle] accumulated, some wisdom along the way. And 1 of the things that those people oftentimes talked most was accepting themselves, knowing themselves, together with accepting themselves, together with that that relieves an awful lot of anxiety. If you’re non trying to last someone other than who you lot are, if you lot know what your strengths together with weaknesses are, it’s merely easier to navigate the world, together with you lot receive got less stress most impressing people, or trying to last what, they desire you lot to be, so those are some things that I think tin assist people. Along alongside the self noesis I would tell that affair I mentioned before of reflecting on what’s your ain background, what are the ways you’ve been conditioned, merely so you lot receive got that awareness, inwards the way that Hillary realized, I was taught something past times my family, that was a genuinely helpful tool, to my parent’s generation but doesn’t check me anymore, so having that reflection on your ain life, tin last genuinely helpful, in, learning wisdom, or developing wisdom, some other telephone commutation I would tell is community, inwards fact community I think helps inwards all 3 lines of the Serenity Prayer, if you’re dealing alongside something genuinely difficult, having people around to back upwardly you, is going to last key, but also if you’re trying to modify something scary, similar Hillary gathered those other people at tiffin who had similar goals, community tin last genuinely of import inwards that, but it tin also assist you lot inwards the distinguishing. I think, good 1 illustration is, an creative someone who was unhappy alongside her agent, together with was complaining to her friends twelvemonth afterward year, together with it was the friends who said, you lot know you’ve been maxim the same affair for 3 years now, together with it was having someone else reverberate that back, they weren’t telling her what to do, they were just, observing, sometimes that tin last genuinely helpful, inwards letting us see ourselves. And the finally affair I would convey it dorsum to, that thought of some form of higher power, the majority draws on a lot of dissimilar spiritual traditions, together with you lot don’t necessarily receive got to last a religious someone I think to discovery do goodness inwards the Prayer and, this way of thinking, most what you lot tin together with cannot change, but sure enough for many people, constituent of the Prayer is the thought that at that spot is something bigger than myself that I tin lean on, inwards hard times, together with that tin assist guide me, together with so some of the people speak about, learning to hear to the wisdom within themselves, paying attending to that inner voice, together with trusting that it is connected to some bigger source of wisdom inwards the Universe, together with so some of the stories are genuinely most learning to hear to that, together with finding that that petty vox within you lot genuinely knows, what the correct affair to do is inwards a sure situation, but inwards a busy solid soil alongside jail cellular telephone phones together with TVs together with the cyberspace going all the fourth dimension nosotros don’t ever hear to it, together with so making infinite inwards your life, for self reflection, for mindfulness or meditation, or for listening to that vox within, tin all last real helpful.
Jonathan Singer: Well Eileen cheers so much for unpacking the Serenity Prayer for us today, I know that I loved your majority together with I institute your words today to last thought provoking together with inspiring and, I promise that listeners out at that spot felt the same way, if you lot did, you lot tin decease to our Social Work Podcast website together with acquire out your comments, or you lot could decease to the Social Work Podcast page on Facebook, at www.facebook.com , together with so search for Social Work Podcast, together with I also promise that, inwards contrast to some of the large ideas that nosotros speak most on the Social Work Podcast, that it was an interesting journeying for you lot the listener to receive got these few words unpacked inwards such rich detail, so cheers 1 time to a greater extent than Eileen I genuinely appreciate it.
Eileen Flanagan: Thank you lot real much for having me Jonathan.
--End--
References together with Resources
Eileen Flanagan's website: http://www.eileenflanagan.com/
Hilary Beard's website: http://www.hilarybeard.com/
Dan Gottlieb's website: http://www.drdangottlieb.com/
APA (6th ed) citation for this podcast:
Singer, J. B. (Host). (2010, September 19). The wisdom to know the difference: Interview alongside Eileen Flanagan [Episode 61]. Social Work Podcast. Podcast retrieved Month Day, Year, from /search?q=wisdom-to-know-difference-interview
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