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Now Y'all Know Parenting Teenage Girls: Interview Amongst Lisa Damour, Ph.D.

Update Apr 4, 2017: Untangled has been released inwards paperback.

[Episode 102] Today's episode of the Social Work Podcast tackles i of the most hard developmental stages inwards the parent-child relationship: adolescence. If you’re a long-time listener of the podcast, you lot know that I’ve spent most of my professional person career working with or doing inquiry on adolescents. Like most clinicians I receive got to a greater extent than experience with adolescents when things are going incorrect inwards their lives than when they are going right. And equally a parent, I tin flaming tell you lot that I seem to hold upwards much to a greater extent than clued into when things are going incorrect than things are going right. Like before this afternoon… no, I’m merely kidding, I wouldn’t do that to you. What I volition do is innovate my guest. Dr. Lisa Damour (@LDamour), clinician, researcher, professor, parent, author of the Adolescence column for the New York Times’ Motherlode blog, in addition to most importantly for today’s episode, Dr. Damour is the author of Untangled: Guiding teenage girls through the 7 transitions into adulthood.

I’ve read it. I think it is fantastic. I recommend this majority without hesitation to anyone who is raising or volition hold upwards raising a teenage daughter. The writing is engaging, scholarly without beingness boring, in addition to total of practical tips that parents tin flaming adopt in addition to implement immediately.

  • How oftentimes should my kid hold upwards eating dinner with me? 
  • When is the best fourth dimension to receive got a serious in addition to uncomfortable conversation? 
  • My thirteen-year-old rolls her eyes when I attempt to verbalize to her, in addition to solely does it to a greater extent than when I larn angry with her nearly it. How should I respond?
  • Do I tell my teen miss that I’m checking her phone?
  • Where’s the line betwixt salubrious eating in addition to having an eating disorder?
  • My daughter’s friend is cutting herself. Do I telephone call upwards the girl’s woman parent to allow her know?

Download MP3 [48:55]

I also think that whatever mental wellness professional person who plant with children in addition to families should read this book. Dr. Damour basically hands you lot bright ways of explaining essential developmental concepts that volition brand sense to the parents in addition to kids you lot operate with. Plus, you’ll hold upwards able to legitimately recommend it equally bibliotherapy for your clients. Check out the give-and-take guide: https://www.drlisadamour.com/untangled/discussion-guide/

In today’s interview nosotros verbalize nearly why a teenage girl’s erratic in addition to confusing demeanor is really healthy, necessary, in addition to natural.  She talks nearly what’s going on inwards the minds of teenage girls in addition to how parents tin flaming reframe their daughter’s thoughts feelings in addition to actions. She talks nearly how guild essentially abandons teenage girls in addition to their parents. We verbalize nearly sexual activity in addition to the internet. And fifty-fifty though nearly 70% of the majority focuses on how in addition to when parents tin flaming know what’s going right, Dr. Damour draws on her extensive clinical experience to warning parents of when they receive got argue to worry. 

tackles i of the most hard developmental stages inwards the parent Now You Know Parenting Teenage Girls: Interview with Lisa Damour, Ph.D.Download MP3 [48:55]



Bio

Lisa Damour, Ph.D. directs Laurel School’s Center for Research on Girls in addition to writes the Adolescence column for the New York Times’ Motherlode blog. She serves equally a faculty associate of the Schubert Center for Child Studies in addition to a clinical instructor inwards the Department of Psychological Sciences at Case Western Reserve University. Dr. Damour maintains a individual psychotherapy practise in addition to also consults in addition to speaks internationally. She is the author of numerous academic papers, chapters, in addition to books related to teaching in addition to kid development. Her book, Untangled: Guiding teenage girls through the 7 transitions into adulthood, was released past times Random House in February 2016. Untangled has been hailed past times Dr. Michael Thompson equally "the best description of the woman somebody adolescent journeying that I receive got ever read" in addition to past times Dr. Madeline Levine equally "mandatory reading."



Influenza A virus subtype H5N1 Denver native, Dr. Damour graduated with honors from Yale University in addition to and thence worked for the Yale Child Study Center before earning her doctorate inwards Clinical Psychology at the University of Michigan. She has held fellowships from Yale’s Edward Zigler Center for Child Development in addition to Social Policy in addition to from the University of Michigan’s Power Foundation. Dr. Damour draws on years of clinical experience in addition to the latest inquiry to render sound, practical guidance to girls equally good equally to their parents, teachers, in addition to advocates.

Transcript 

Introduction

Today’s episode of the social operate podcast tackles i the most hard developmental stages inwards the parent kid human relationship - adolescence. Now if you're a long fourth dimension listener of the podcast you lot volition know I receive got spent most of my professional person career working with or doing inquiry on adolescence. And similar most clinicians I receive got to a greater extent than experience with adolescents when things are going incorrect inwards their lives in addition to thence when they are going right. And equally a parent I tin flaming tell you lot that I seem to hold upwards much to a greater extent than clued into when things are going incorrect in addition to thence when they are going right. Like before this afternoon… No, no, no. Just kidding I wouldn’t do that to

What I volition do is innovate my guest, Dr. Lisa Damour. She’s a clinician, researcher, professor, parent, author of the adolescence column for the New York Times Motherload blog, in addition to most importantly for today’s episode Dr. Damour’s the author of Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood. I receive got read it in addition to I think it’s fantastic. I am going to read you lot the blurb on the within jacket cover. That’s how skillful I think it is,
“Just hold off until she is a teenager, most parents receive got been warned nearly the stress of raising a teen girl. The friction with friends, the rush of emotions, stinging rudeness, followed past times sugariness affection, but your daughter’s teen years don’t receive got to experience similar a tangled mess for you lot or her. There’s a predictable pattern of how girls grow, a pattern for adolescent development.”
Isn’t that good?

Well, inwards today’s interview nosotros verbalize nearly this blueprint, nosotros verbalize nearly sex, the internet, swimming pools, I realize this is starting to sound a piffling to a greater extent than bluish than print, it's non trust me. Dr. Damour talks nearly why teenage girl’s erratic, confusing behaviors are really healthy, necessary, in addition to natural. She talks nearly what’s going on inwards the minds of teenage girls in addition to how parents tin flaming reframe their daughters thought in addition to feelings in addition to actions. She talks nearly how guild is essentially abandons teenage girls in addition to their parents. Even thought nearly 70% of the majority focuses on how in addition to when parents tin flaming know what’s going to hold upwards right, Dr. Damour draws on her extensive clinical experience to warning parents to times when they receive got reasons to worry.

Now I recommend this majority without hesitation to anyone who is raising or volition hold upwards raising a teenage daughter. The writing is engaging, scholarly, without beingness boring, in addition to total of practical tips that parents tin flaming adopt if in addition to implement immediately. Like: “How oftentimes should my kid hold upwards eating dinner with me? in addition to “When’s the best fourth dimension to receive got a serious in addition to uncomfortable conversation?” I also think whatever mental wellness professional person whom plant with children in addition to families should read this book. Dr. Damour basically hands you lot bright ways of explaining essential developmental concepts that volition brand sense to the parents in addition to kids you lot operate with, in addition to past times reading it you lot volition hold upwards able to legitimately recommend it equally bibliotherapy for your clients.

And now, without farther ado, on to episode 102 of the Social Work Podcast: Parenting teenage girls: An interview with Lisa Damour.

Interview

[00:03:40]
Jonathan Singer: Lisa, cheers thence much for beingness hither on the social podcast talking today nearly teens, parenting, in addition to your majority untangled.

Lisa Damour: Well I am delighted to hold upwards here! I really appreciate you lot inviting me.

[00:03:53]
Jonathan Singer: Why did you lot desire to write this book?

Lisa Damour: Well drive the brusk answer to that interrogation would hold upwards that I desire to alter how nosotros verbalize nearly teenage girls. Somehow it has move acceptable to verbalize nearly teenage girls inwards a way nosotros would never verbalize nearly whatever other group. I think its to a greater extent than truthful for teenage girls than boys. Oh my god they are nuts or I am thence glad I receive got solely boys or yea they are crazy, I hateful people state things that are really rude to position it bluntly. But I pick out tending of teenage girls I think they are the greatest, most interesting humans on the planet, I think adolescents is really stressful, in addition to really complex in addition to hard on the teenager in addition to on hard on the people around the teenager in addition to that’s when everything is going merely normal in addition to fine in addition to great. So I thought possibly nosotros could verbalize nearly this is a much to a greater extent than thoughtful in addition to useful in addition to possibly fifty-fifty a chip to a greater extent than sophisticated way, possibly nosotros could come upwards up with a framework that allow us think nearly adolescents equally a challenging in addition to dynamic developmental instant in addition to nosotros could simplify all of that chaos into 7 categories of evolution that I think all teenagers are navigating. And nosotros could start to run into all of the stress in addition to upheaval of adolescence equally normal in addition to profitable in addition to reframe a lot of what looks similar difficulty into an appreciation of how much increase is happening inwards a really brusk infinite of time.

[00:05:27]
Jonathan Singer: And thence what are some of the images people receive got of the teenage miss in addition to how does your experience differ from that?

Lisa Damour: That’s a great interrogation in addition to I think that oftentimes people run into teenage girls equally unpredictable, emotional, intense inwards their reactions, I think there’s an unspoken undertone around girls beingness sexual or having sexual interests or objects of sexual involvement I think that’s oftentimes really charged really adults around sexuality in addition to the miss side of that inwards particular. I think that adults view adolescent girls equally really erratic in addition to intense in addition to I don’t think they run into a logic to why girls react to things they do I think that that adults are prone to accusing girls of beingness you lot know having a lot of drama or beingness dramatic. You know I think at that spot is a lot of misunderstanding with adults nearly girls in addition to their friendships. You know adults are really quick to verbalize nearly girls beingness mean, you lot know in addition to girls tin flaming hold upwards hateful you lot know I surely non maxim that girls are perfect in addition to without flaw but I think really rarely hear adults admiring how girls are to their friends which overwhelmingly. My experience of taking tending of girls in addition to you lot know, taking tending of girls inwards groups, thence I think that’s what adults are reacting to when they verbalize nearly teenage girls that way.

[00:07:04]
Jonathan Singer: So there’s this myth of the teenage miss beingness all nearly drama in addition to this sexual materials in addition to beingness hateful in addition to are you lot maxim that’s non really reflective of what you lot run into or you lot maxim that you're seeing the same behaviors but you lot sympathize them differently?

Lisa Damour: I run into what adults are talking nearly but I don’t run into it the way the adults run into it. So pick out for event the drama piece, i of the things I focus on inwards my majority is the developmental strand of developing emotions, you lot know that adolescents equally a grouping are really emotional in addition to intense inwards their reactions in addition to nosotros know this from both from mutual sense in addition to nosotros know this from really interesting neurological studies where nosotros tin flaming sentinel their encephalon react inwards much to a greater extent than emotional ways in addition to thence kids or adults encephalon do. I think that how girls do emotion is really dissimilar from how boys do emotion. I think girls tend to hold upwards to a greater extent than outward in addition to expressive in addition to to limited a pretty wide gain of feeling. I volition state I could consult a phenomenal girls schoolhouse hither inwards the Shaker Heights expanse inwards Ohio where I alive in addition to you lot know crying is non unusual, you lot know crying happens inwards a course of instruction of a schoolhouse 24-hour interval at some bespeak somewhere inwards the schoolhouse for some miss you lot know crying is merely how oftentimes girls volition sometimes limited a feeling of deplorable or mad or all sort of of things. I think that i of the things that nosotros over appear is that boys are given much less latitude to limited emotion in addition to this is an insight that comes from Michael Thompson, who is a really skillful psychologist who focuses on boys, to the grade that boys limited emotion. They are taught that they should limited them all equally anger, thence you lot run into them acting out with adolescent boys. Which I think is oftentimes distress in addition to I think that inwards girls you lot run into distress looking similar distress? I think at that spot is a lot to a greater extent than nuance to beingness brought to the conversation nearly what is happening with girls feelings in addition to I also think you lot know inwards the sense, me in addition to with my clinical chapeau on, I think beingness validated nearly anyone’s emotional reaction never helps thence I think fifty-fifty that response that that adults tin flaming receive got of “Oh My God, that is all drama” you lot know that really unfair in addition to also isn’t empathic toward whatever it is that is driving you lot the human face that the miss is sharing fifty-fifty if the way she is sharing is a piffling chip off putting or surprising to the adult. On the sexual slice I think the thing is thence tricky is that girls sexuality in addition to girls emerging sexuality adolescence is such a heavily commoditized thing in addition to the girls themselves in addition to everyone around them are sent such unusual the best way I think to depict it or kindest news I think to depict it. Such unusual messages nearly what emerging romantic in addition to sexual interests should appear similar inwards girls you lot nosotros don’t desire girls to do slutty but nosotros do desire them to hold upwards sexy but nosotros don’t desire them to hold upwards to sexy but nosotros don’t desire them to hold upwards prude I hateful those are all the words that larn thrown around. You know at that spot is really in all probability no way for a miss to larn it right. The thing that is completely lost inwards our conversations nearly adolescent girls in addition to at that spot emerging love lives is nosotros don’t ever verbalize nearly what the girls desire in addition to nosotros don’t ever verbalize nearly helping girls focus on what they desire before they create upwards one's heed you lot know what they desire to do or what they desire to pursue or how they desire to act. That sexuality with adolescent girls really much something that is owned past times other people in addition to damage dictated largely past times a commercial marketplace you lot nearly what it should appear like. So I think its hard to divide out what’s really going on for teenage girls in addition to they're emerging love lives in addition to what is the commercial version of that in addition to I think sometimes its adults are reacting to the commercial version of that without tuning really closely into where the girls are what they desire inwards that.

[00:11:07]
Jonathan Singer: So how do you, how do you lot address this with the teenage girls who operate with in addition to how do you lot operate with the parents around this issue?

Lisa Damour: Yea, these are really large in addition to complex in addition to really interesting issues. Lets think nearly it from the lens of advocating for girl, right? That’s what I do, that’s my life correct advocating for girls, thence for advocating for girls. When nosotros position on that chapeau at that spot are a few things that nosotros know that nosotros do desire to receive got give in addition to some things nosotros know don’t desire to receive got happen. So i is nosotros similar to think that a miss equally she becomes a immature adult woman in addition to moves into adulthood volition lay the groundwork for a happy in addition to fulfilling love in addition to sexual life right? So that’s i thing nosotros desire to run into happen. Another thing nosotros desire to receive got give is for her to receive got skillful sexual health, you lot know non receive got to, non to larn pregnant if she doesn’t desire to larn pregnant, non to contract a STD, things similar that. And in addition to thence i thing nosotros don’t desire to receive got give is for her to hold upwards inwards a province of affairs where she has non given consent, in addition to things receive got gone or things give the bespeak where she consented. So if nosotros think nearly it equally advocates for girls, how would nosotros convey these things about, how do nosotros brand each of these things happen? What I know correct at nowadays is that when nosotros verbalize nearly girls, in addition to at that spot is a lot of inquiry showing this. For the most component subdivision nosotros move afterwards the adventure number you lot know ordinarily when an adults verbalize to girls nearly sex, they verbalize to girls nearly risk. Don’t larn pregnant, don’t larn a STD, you lot know don’t ruin your reputation, you lot know things similar that, it's a lot of don’t in addition to what nosotros discovery when nosotros appear at information is that placing a heavy emphasis on adventure solely equally opposed to also what a miss wants or miss equally a sort of of agent inwards her ain correct doesn’t really cut back risk, does non really improve sexual health. And thence an interesting storey that goes a long with this is if you lot appear at the Dutch in addition to how they move nearly sexual activity education. Now get-go in addition to initiative of all they verbalize nearly romantic life equally a wonderful, nurturing component subdivision of beingness a human in addition to they verbalize nearly it from the positive side in addition to they verbalize nearly people equally sort of having wishes in addition to wants in addition to beingness their ain sexual agents in addition to and thence they also address equally component subdivision of that how i keeps ones self rubber in addition to salubrious inwards the context of a sexual interaction in addition to they receive got the best sexual wellness for teenagers inwards the western industrialized guild in addition to nosotros really inwards the U.S. of A. receive got the worst sexual wellness for teenage girls inwards industrialized society. So there’s both a form of advocate argue to verbalize nearly what girls desire in addition to how they perceive sexual interests or what would hold upwards appealing to them in addition to there’s also wellness do goodness to doing so. Of course of instruction at that spot is a lot dissimilar from betwixt the Netherlands in addition to the U.S. of A. into damage of cultural attitudes towards sexuality, in addition to also wellness acts around sexual concerns but what nosotros know is when nosotros focus on girls with sexual agents, girls having their ain wishes, in addition to wants sexually that the wellness also follow from that. So equally nosotros think nearly how nosotros receive got conversations with girls I think it's really of import equally for watching TV shows or listening to music you lot know non to bust out forty infinitesimal lecture nearly human sexuality but to state things instead along the lines of wow this demo is all nearly the boys desire to receive got happen, what does the miss desire to receive got happen. And I think parents should non await their miss “Oh my gosh I am thence glad that you lot raised that interrogation with me, it's a conversation I am dying to have”. I think you lot know that a really expectable response to that would hold upwards that she would gyre her eyes in addition to in all probability larn out the room in addition to I don't think that’s a bad outcome. I think that it's really non an nearly getting into a probable conversation all the time, I think it's really nearly framing these questions for girls, thence at to the lowest degree they are quest them of themselves you lot know.

[00:15:13]
Jonathan Singer: That’s really interesting drive you're maxim hi I larn it but you lot don’t receive got to verbalize nearly it correct at nowadays but I merely desire to allow you lot know.

Lisa Damour: Yea!

[00:15:21]
Jonathan Singer: I am non some idiot who is sitting hither similar completely oblivious to what’s going on.

Lisa Damour: Right in addition to thinking you're non interested inwards this or mightiness non pick out an involvement inwards this in addition to it’s also, its merely a perspective that a miss doesn’t receive got its a perspective our civilization doesn’t have. I hateful at that spot really no i inwards our civilization maxim hi what do you lot think the girls desire out of this you lot know what do you lot think the girls interests are. I hateful it's largely neglected, thence I think it's an of import for parents to advocate for it. Another thing that nosotros know is that girls tending what their parents think nearly their values around sexual activity in addition to i time again fifty-fifty thought girls nosotros sprain their oculus rolling their eyes through these conversations, they really will. It is really of import for parents to state hi merely thence you lot know hither is how nosotros experience nearly intercourse in addition to its purpose inwards a relationships, you lot know what nosotros think its something that should give in addition to here’s where parents tin flaming create total inwards the blank you lot know. Should it give inwards the context of a spousal human relationship or should it give inwards the context of beingness an adult you lot know long term human relationship you lot know whatever whatever the parents values are they should hold upwards up front end those. And what nosotros know from inquiry is that really changes sexually behaviors inwards teenagers that teenagers do shape their sexual demeanor based on parents’ human face of values. I think what’s of import thought inwards that conversation is parents should non hold upwards nether the impression that they tin flaming brand their teenager do what they desire them to do, I think trying brand a teenager do anything is feeling strategy but I think an opened upwards conversation nearly what parents believe is really of import in addition to really skillful for teenagers.

[00:16:52]
Jonathan Singer: People larn confused because they state good I cant brand my kid do something it way that my sentiment doesn’t matter.

Lisa Damour: Oh isn’t that interesting.

Jonathan Singer: That’s non truthful at all.

Lisa Damour: No!

Jonathan Singer: I think that, it plays into a lot of the former inquiry adolescence which says i time a kid becomes adolescent the parent doesn’t affair anymore its all nearly the peers, in addition to what nosotros know at nowadays is that it's totally non true.

Lisa Damour: Yeah!

[00:17:17]
Jonathan Singer: Expecting a teenager to do something because you lot state it really flies inwards the human face of what they demand to do developmentally, is that right?

Lisa Damour: Yea, it's a typical reflex of adolescence that if you lot were merely nearly to do something in addition to your parent tells you lot to do it, you lot don’t desire to do it anymore. And I really tell that story, a storey inwards my majority nearly a miss who came on a Fri afternoon session I saw her every afternoon at 4:00 in addition to all of the stories inwards the majority are modified thence at that spot unrecognizable fifty-fifty to the customer themselves. So the storey I am telling is the version I pulled inwards the majority in addition to she came inwards in addition to she was inwards a terrible mood in addition to she was ordinarily you lot know pretty steady miss in addition to you lot know pretty skillful mood in addition to I state what’s going on in addition to she said “ugh thence mad my materials has been all over the dining room tabular array all week, I report their, materials been all over the place, in addition to I’ve been thinking all calendar week of cleaning it upwards in addition to getting it organized before the weekend in addition to really looking frontward to it in addition to I had an sixty minutes before our appointment when I could do that in addition to I walked inwards the position in addition to my mother, in addition to when I walked into the door she said you lot receive got to larn your materials off the dining room table. So I spent the sixty minutes fighting with my woman parent how I wouldn’t displace the materials off the dining room tabular array in addition to that took upwards all the fourth dimension I had gear upwards aside to do in addition to at nowadays I am really pissed that” in addition to she was dandy upwards in addition to she finished telling me this story, but I think that to me was i of those moments inwards my practise that I could position several of these where something came clearly into focus you lot know nearly what’s normative to adolescents. So I think maxim don’t receive got sexual activity is non a winning strategy for parents, but I do think that expressing parental values, maxim you lot know nosotros think its helpful for you lot know to hold off until you're an adult to receive got intercourse or whatever the parents going to say. They should articulate a rationale that is nearly the adolescence taking really skillful tending of themselves, you lot know non bending to the parents dominion but maxim appear the argue for wanting to handgrip off is that you lot know inwards our experience you lot volition inquire for what you lot desire to a greater extent than effectively, you lot volition continue yourself salubrious to a greater extent than effectively, you lot in addition to your partner are going to receive got a amend experience if you lot are communicating which tends to give equally people larn older tends non to hold upwards truthful of you lot know sexual activity inwards early on adolescence. But it tin flaming all hold upwards framed from the perspective of beingness on the teenagers’ side. I hateful at that spot are a lot of teenagers who volition move running from the room, you lot know early on inwards that conversation. So to hold upwards quick it should give inwards the auto when no i is looking at each other you lot know. I think at that spot is lots of ways for parents to sneak these conversations in. I e'er think that the ideal icon of advice giving betwixt parent in addition to teenager is of parent in addition to teenager standing shoulder to shoulder you lot know in addition to looking together at whatever it is the parent is concerned about. Whether it is drinking or drugs or unsafe driving in addition to the parent maxim hi you lot somebody who I love thence much, who is thence precious to me equally you lot human face this risky thing, hither are the worries I receive got nearly how you lot mightiness larn hurt, in addition to hither are the ways that I think you're going to best continue yourself safe. I think that’s a much, much to a greater extent than effective strategy for getting teenagers to pick out tending of themselves.

[00:20:30]
Jonathan Singer: That’s a skillful beautiful frame, I would imagine it would hold upwards a way that you lot could address something that would opened upwards up a conversation or to a greater extent than probable to opened upwards i rather closed it down.

Lisa Damour: It paints the parent equally the ally inwards helping a teenager navigate the many risky that are thrust inwards front end of teenagers in addition to paints the teenager equally a thoughtful skillful somebody who wants to pick out skillful tending of themselves in addition to may demand some guidance along the way. You know nosotros receive got all of this prissy inquiry showing that teenagers alive upwards to expectations in addition to they alive downwards to expectations.

[00:21:09]
Jonathan Singer: So what are some of the other ways that parents tin flaming larn it right, some approaches to raising girls that seem to operate amend than others.

Lisa Damour: Well I similar the phrase getting it correct because I think at that spot is a lot of ways to larn it correct in addition to i of the things that I think is really dicey nearly a lot of sort of of parented literature I think its sometimes gives parents the impression there’s a correct way everything else is the incorrect way in addition to that for me merely doesn’t work. Humans are way to complicate for at that spot to hold upwards a unmarried correct way, but I think i of the things where I run into parents larn it incorrect is at that spot really defensive. Parents are really defensive nearly teenagers observations nearly the adults themselves in addition to I think that i of the things that makes me thence fond of teenagers is that they are thence clear eyed. You know suddenly at around 13 or fourteen they merely start to run into through grown ups inwards a whole novel way in addition to that’s why I similar hanging out with them because I think they pretty much receive got a pretty skillful appear at a lot of things that adults are non longer tuned into. I think its incredibly hard equally a parent when a teenager starts to telephone call upwards you lot on brusk comings that are existent in addition to in all probability long standing in addition to bespeak out our flaws in addition to of course of instruction it's non similar teenagers do this inwards a universal form way. They do it inwards anger in addition to they tend to do it inwards a way that mightiness hold upwards peculiarly piercing to the parent in addition to thence it’s never helpful if a parent reacts equally if they’re perfect in addition to equally if they cant tolerate the thought that they got shortcomings. You know thence if a parent is e'er similar you lot know i of those parents who e'er runs slow in addition to some of us are merely similar that, you lot know if the teenager finally makes an number of it in addition to says you lot know what your e'er late, you're maxim you're going to come upwards hither at half-dozen in addition to your never hither before 6:20. There’s a pair dissimilar ways for a parent to react in addition to you lot know if the parent react with ‘you know what this is really hard for me in addition to super busy in addition to I don’t receive got fourth dimension in addition to your lucky I am picking you lot up’ I think that’s a really missed opportunity, it merely becomes a fight. Influenza A virus subtype H5N1 combat where the teenager really had a really legitimate point, some other way a parent could move inwards a instant similar that, is to state ‘your right, you lot know your correct I am bad at this’ in addition to to apologize. I think apologizing to a teenager is i of the most gracious gestures in addition to an of import i in addition to i that nosotros should never miss an chance to do when its deserved in addition to to state I am non perfect in addition to this isn’t fair to you lot in addition to your correct in addition to allow me operate on it, in addition to allow me if I cant larn myself hither on fourth dimension drive that’s a amend thing to do. But I think that the really huge chance inwards a instant similar that is to assist the teenager run into that shouldn’t pick out it personally because i of the things that I think is really truthful nearly teenagers is that they start to notice our flaws equally parents in addition to they desire to create us because they think ‘oh my gosh your my solely parents for the residuum of my life, you lot receive got got to hold upwards amend than this’ you lot know. So I think a lot of pointing out our flaws is sort of their endeavor to state alright guys nosotros got 4 years for you lot to move amend in addition to thence similar nosotros demand to larn on it in addition to I think that its really helpful to assist adolescents measurement out a piffling chip of. There is truth to the fact that teenagers tin flaming hold upwards ego centric in addition to I think its helpful to assist them measurement out of that in addition to state appear you lot dearest your correct I am slow but you lot know I am slow to everything correct you lot know this isn’t nearly you, this is a occupation I have, you lot know this my ain difficulty. As obvious equally that may seem to the parent that volition come upwards equally a revelation to most teenagers, drive you lot know most teenagers receive got been taking it personally you lot know teenagers equally a grouping tend to pick out a lot of things personally. And thence I think for a parent to pick out a critique in addition to state you lot know your correct this is non my strong suit in addition to you lot know dearest I love you, this is something I struggle with, you lot noticed that I struggle with it with your brother, I am slow for your dad, similar this something I do universally in addition to to state this something around me, nearly me that is something you lot volition receive got to operate around, correct you lot receive got to operate around component subdivision of me, I volition attempt to alter it but you lot may receive got to adjust to it. I think that instant betwixt parent in addition to teenager if you lot could mensurate human psychological growth; I think you lot would run into this huge surge inwards human psychological growth. Because what that instant says is yea I am non perfect, no i is, your non perfect, I am non perfect, your going to adjust to my imperfections in addition to your going to brand the most of what I do convey to the tabular array equally a parent but your non going to larn hung upwards on my brusk comings in addition to I think that’s thence much of my operate inwards psychotherapy with teenagers is to assist them gratuitous upwards unloose energy that is hung upwards on their parents brusk comings. Parent aren’t ordinarily inwards the occupation organisation of changing much you lot know, unless they are inwards psychotherapy where they are really trying to alter in addition to I would thence much rather run into a teenager position all of that musculus into at that spot ain interests, their operate inwards school, their hobbies, things similar that, in addition to less into seeing if they tin flaming larn their parent to hold upwards dissimilar in addition to thence they are. You know of course of instruction at that spot are exceptions right, I hateful if were talking nearly abusive parents, things similar that that, similar that’s non the form of thing, that’s non something I await a kid to no longer hold upwards hung upwards on. But the, you lot know the normal terrain of adult neurotic demeanor I think the sooner the kids are similar yea that’s my mom, she makes a hateful chicken pot pie in addition to she’s e'er at that spot for me inwards these other ways I think that really helps kids grow.

[00:26:57]
Jonathan Singer: You know that, i of the lens that I am hearing is through an attachment lens.

Lisa Damour: Yep!

Jonathan Singer: When you're describing this conversation to me it really sounds similar the parent is validating the kid maxim your non crazy, correct I run into this to in addition to I am glad you lot came to me with this, because nosotros tin flaming really receive got a conversation that doesn’t brand you lot experience alienated or to a greater extent than alienated.

Lisa Damour: Yeah! Some of my favorite writing that I got to do for this majority was the department on rupture in addition to repair inwards chapter 4. And thence chapter 4 is a chapter nearly contending with adult authorisation in addition to at that spot is this phenomenal literature nearly when relationships autumn out sync with each other in addition to and thence larn dorsum into sync with each other. And a lot of it inwards is inwards that attachment literature, in addition to a lot of it has non been translated really effectively for a slow audience. But thence much of what that literature finds is that human increase happens non necessarily when everyone is getting along but when people autumn out of measurement with each other in addition to and thence tin flaming state hi o hold off I run into where your coming from in addition to you lot run into where I am coming from in addition to were going to come upwards dorsum together across a breach in addition to its inwards that dynamic betwixt parent in addition to child. It tin flaming give inwards other relationships to where people experience safe, were people experience valued, where people experience similar they larn a sense of savour of how they should hold upwards treated inwards relationships that are optional. You know that form of disconnect in addition to and thence endeavor past times both parties to reconnect is i of the most critical moments inwards shaping all the things nosotros desire our teenagers to move you lot know empathic, self valuing, valuing of others, curious nearly other peoples minds, curious nearly their ain minds. And I think that to me it seems almost magical that you lot tin flaming larn all of those fabulous outcomes past times maxim something to a teenager along the lines of yep I really screwed that upwards in addition to I owe you lot an apology in addition to I am really sorry in addition to you lot know that my mom was non skillful nearly coin in addition to that does non assist me hold upwards skillful nearly coin with you lot in addition to I am doing my best in addition to I larn it in addition to that doesn’t experience skillful for you lot correct merely that form of interaction is fertilizer for all of what nosotros desire our kids to be.

Jonathan Singer: I hateful its great that at adolescence at that spot is thence much conflict.

Lisa Damour: Yea!

[00:29:33]
Jonathan Singer: Because at that spot is almost equally if it’s built inwards fourth dimension of life when the adolescent is okay do this.

Lisa Damour: Lets do this! Lets larn it on! I think that’s right; I think that’s why people are scare of adolescents. Right? Because they are similar wow this kid’s coming at me in addition to this kid is going to state a lot of things in addition to some it is going to land. I hateful they are going to poke some existent bruises, in addition to my personality. And I think parents tin flaming either walk into that instant thinking okay how do I maintain my authorisation in addition to remain inwards accuse or they tin flaming walk into that instant thinking okay tin flaming I grow, tin flaming I allow the possibility that my fifteen yr former is going state things that are accurate in addition to helpful in addition to I tin flaming alter for the amend in addition to tin flaming ain the shortcomings in addition to tin flaming I assist her grow, tin flaming I assist him grow through the form of conversations were having nearly them. And champaign I am advocating for the 2d path inwards this. But I think it’s really hard, in addition to I think it’s really hard. I hateful I receive got to tell you lot if I had you lot know golden medals for unmarried parents of teenagers I would mitt them out, I would throw them at people I mean, I think when you lot receive got a teenager who is combative or critical or cranky you lot know in addition to teenagers tin flaming oftentimes hold upwards really cranky in addition to I think to navigate that withstand, to hold upwards gracious inwards the human face of that, when you lot don’t receive got whatever other adult on your side is heroic in addition to really hard. So I think at that spot are atmospheric condition that larn inwards easier in addition to atmospheric condition that larn inwards a lot harder.

[00:31:05]
Jonathan Singer: In your majority you lot write nearly at that spot are a lot of things that adolescents do that puzzles or bothers parents that really evidence of salubrious adolescence growth, tin flaming you lot verbalize nearly that?

Lisa Damour: Yea, thence i of the things I verbalize about, the get-go chapter is nearly parting with childhood. You know when kids create upwards one's heed that they don’t desire to hold upwards piffling kids anymore in addition to they desire to start to displace into the globe beingness a teenager, a older teenager in addition to i of a really mutual thing you lot run into is that they start hiding inwards their rooms, you lot know they merely some home, they move upwards to their room, you lot know you lot don’t run into them, in addition to and thence you lot telephone call upwards them for dinner in addition to they reluctantly larn out their rooms. And a lot of parents move concerned because it’s oftentimes a really precipitous alter you lot know thence they move from talking a lot to non talking thence much. And what nosotros typically run into though is that teenagers desire to a greater extent than privacy in addition to they desire to a greater extent than privacy to do whatever it was were doing with the door opened upwards finally week, but they similar to hold upwards to a greater extent than divide from their families in addition to I think that this is really a really adaptive practise for really leaving home. You know I think that if your fourteen in addition to you lot realize that I receive got 4 to a greater extent than years inwards this position in addition to I am on my ain its really really rational displace to think, good why don’t I pretend that I am on my ain piece they are correct downstairs if I demand them in addition to run into how that goes in addition to sort of attempt it out for awhile in addition to I think if nosotros reframe it similar that its makes a lot to a greater extent than sense in addition to tin flaming hold upwards seen equally healthy. Now maxim that I don’t think parents should in addition to thence halt talking to their teenager or surrender the relationship, I think there’s a lot to hold upwards said for continuing to state hi you lot know what you lot demand to hold upwards eating dinner with us in addition to you lot demand to gear upwards the tabular array before dinner in addition to you lot demand to tell us at to the lowest degree 3 things that happened today. You know the ongoing connective really matters, but non the pathologize the really normal want of teenagers to hold upwards to a greater extent than divide in addition to halt telling at that spot parents everything. Every chapter ends with a department called halt of worry in addition to that’s where I address the line that has been crossed. So for event inwards the harnessing emotion chapter I verbalize nearly you lot know teenagers really intense feelings, really amped up, in addition to they rely on a diversity of strategies for managing feelings in addition to a lot of that is some things their parents you lot know that’s a really typical strategy with teenagers. And thence that’s all normal, its non fun for the parent, really effective for the teenager, the teenager feels much amend having done it. So if that’s normal in addition to expectable in addition to the parent you lot know plays of import purpose there, that’s skillful to know. But in addition to thence I receive got a whole department inwards that chapter nearly when is harnessing emotions non going good you lot know. Its non going good if you lot receive got teenager who has is genuinely depressed or anxious or using self destructive tactics to handle large feelings you lot know that way things receive got gone off the rails in addition to needs to hold upwards addressed clinical inwards that situation. So I think if you lot in addition to your teenager are non getting along ever something is incorrect in addition to your teenager is rubbing every unmarried adult the incorrect way something is incorrect or your teenager never ever bugs whatever adult anywhere that interesting in addition to worth paying closed attending to drive that’s unwholesome. I receive got a quote inwards the majority from these researchers who do lovely operate on teenagers in addition to its a beautiful quote in addition to the quote is “Disagreement is common, serious conflict is not” this negative stereotype around teenagers that they are icky, their combative, it really causes us to miss adolescent depression. When nosotros receive got teenagers who are cranky all the time, you lot know that is what adolescent depression looks similar in addition to merely writing that off, equally merely an icky teenager is diagnostically inaccurate in addition to and thence of course of instruction non helpful to the teenager.

[00:34:53]
Jonathan Singer: Yea that reminds me at that spot was a majority I read a long fourth dimension agone called “More than Moody”. I think is along that same lines of merely okay thence when is your kid moody in addition to when is your kid to a greater extent than than moody. And you lot convey upwards a really skillful bespeak which I think is i of the large struggles for parents is to know what that fine line is in addition to I don’t know it is really a fine line but I think its hard to run into it the way others mightiness run into it. So inwards your majority you lot receive got I think i of the greatest metaphors ever.

Lisa Damour: Oh God I cant hold off to hear what.

Jonathan Singer: It’s the swimming puddle metaphor!

Lisa Damour: Oh yea, yea that i has helped in addition to served me good for many years.

[00:35:35]
Jonathan Singer: So tin flaming you lot portion this metaphor?

Lisa Damour: Sure! Okay hither is the metaphor in addition to I volition state this inwards the majority in addition to I volition state its a fairly belabored metaphor but I receive got had plenty parents come upwards dorsum to me over the years in addition to state that really got us through our daughter’s adolescence. So the metaphor is this you lot the parents are a swimming pool, the H2O is the exterior globe in addition to your miss is the swimmer. All teenagers desire to hold upwards out splashing around inwards the globe in addition to swimming their friends in addition to having a skillful fourth dimension in addition to they’re non giving much though to the puddle that holds it all together. And in addition to thence invariably something happens she gets dunked, exhausted, she worked out to hard inwards the puddle in addition to she needs to pick out handgrip of her breathe in addition to inwards those moments she volition come upwards scrambling for the border of the puddle in addition to that’s the parent in addition to she volition handgrip on in addition to quite literally sometimes hold. And you lot know these instant are the moments where your parents talking daughters wanting to cuddle in addition to wanting to lean upwards against them similar a couch in addition to she’ll verbalize nearly what’s happening in addition to seek advice in addition to she volition pick out advice, And to the parent this is the greatest thing ever because they experience similar were dorsum together again, you lot realize how of import I am to you lot in addition to how I love you lot in addition to this is fantastic. And what is happening though for the swimmer is that she is getting her breathe dorsum in addition to and thence suddenly she feels similar a piffling kid clinging to the side of the puddle who doesn’t know how to swim in addition to for her that is really uncomfortable in addition to it feels regressive it feels babyish. And thence equally shortly equally she gotten her breathe dorsum she is going to force off the border of the pool, she is going zoom away to attempt to larn dorsum into the water. And she volition do it inwards the same way equally swimmers do which is with a boot thence oftentimes these really intimate instant halt with the teenager maxim something similar whoa did you lot really apparel that to operate today you lot know or something similar that that’s really stingy in addition to personal in addition to really abruptly ends. And thence if the parent isn’t expecting that but it feels similar for the parent is move my gosh your coming around this is fabulous were reuniting our former human relationship in addition to and thence oh my gosh what merely happened why are you lot talking to me similar that in addition to it could hold upwards really painful. But if the parent tin flaming reframe it in addition to think she’s come upwards to me in addition to she clinging to me because she needed to larn sustained i time again in addition to it has ended because she is sustained in addition to at nowadays clinging to me feels babyish in addition to she has to halt it. So I don’t this is non me maxim that the parent should state why give cheers you lot really much for that horrible comment abbot my clothes. I think its fine for parent to state oh hold off I infinitesimal that’s prissy or something acknowledges that was you lot know unkind, I don’t parents should allow teenagers to mistreat them, I don’t think anyone should allow anyone to mistreat them. But I think there’s non skillful guy in addition to bad guy inwards this storey were all caught upwards inwards the progress inwards the adolescent’s growth, someday it feels really great in addition to someday it feels really stressful in addition to that’s equally skillful equally it gets in addition to that’s skillful enough.

[00:38:30]
Jonathan Singer: Yes, the skillful plenty parenting is surely is a criterion that I think a lot of parents receive got hard fourth dimension beingness okay with, you lot know i of the things that I think a lot of parents struggle with these days is engineering scientific discipline in addition to I know your majority is non specifically nearly engineering scientific discipline but you lot know parenting advice seems to run the gamut from closed it downwards to you lot know don’t worry nearly it kids volition hold upwards kids. How do you lot think parents should think nearly teens in addition to technology?

Lisa Damour: I think at that spot is a few dissimilar ways to think nearly it. One is the engineering scientific discipline do; a lot of the impulses that larn complicated around engineering scientific discipline those are ancient all right. Even the teenager who wants to text all the time, that is the same exact impulse that had you lot dragging your telephone in addition to me dragging my telephone you lot know all through the house. They desire to hold upwards together all the fourth dimension you lot know. And at that spot is really prissy operate done past times Dana Boyd whose a researcher who looks at teenagers in addition to she has this great quote, I receive got it inwards the book, you lot know they are non addicted to engineering scientific discipline they are addicted to each other you lot know nosotros were addicted to each other in addition to nosotros were addicted to each other also. So I think its i thing a parent should e'er start with when it comes to engineering scientific discipline slice is what component subdivision of this is familiar to me, correct what component subdivision of this is from my adolescence tin flaming I recall you lot know nosotros wanted to hold upwards together. I think fifty-fifty on the things similar the topic of Internet pornography right, which isn’t a large deal. All teenagers are curious nearly sex, I hateful almost all of them in addition to I am sure a lot of adults tin flaming recall ways inwards which they tried to discovery out to a greater extent than nearly sexual activity when they were teenagers nosotros merely didn’t receive got really much access. So you lot know that impulse is the same thence I think its get-go helpful for parent to melody into the side of the impulse that is universal in addition to timeless in addition to and thence to think nearly the engineering scientific discipline in addition to the potential it gives to that impulse. And non necessary to vilify the teenager or the engineering scientific discipline but that’s said I think there’s a lot parents demand to do to continue engineering scientific discipline from undermining evolution thence you lot know if engineering scientific discipline is interfering with the teenager’s powerfulness to receive got salubrious in addition to personal relationships or if they are acting on online inwards ways that are really going to toll them you lot that’s a huge occupation obviously. Technology is undermining at that spot capacity for sleep, which is does a lot, you lot know that’s a huge occupation thence I really think a relatively useful way for parent to think nearly engineering scientific discipline is what are nosotros trying to protect, non what am I trying to closed down. So you lot know at that spot are a lot of things nosotros desire to protect, I think nosotros desire to protect kids sleep, the character of their social interactions, at that spot grades, you lot know their powerfulness to report inwards a meaningful in addition to focused way. You know its almost similar when your on a diet, you lot know its harder if its similar the nutrient you lot cant receive got vs. hither are the foods you lot tin flaming receive got you lot know. So I think its similar maxim the telephone is bad, ban the phone, its mightiness hold upwards to a greater extent than useful for parents to state okay appear the telephone is okay if it doesn’t mess with your sleep, doesn’t mess with how you lot purpose socially, doesn’t larn inwards the way of your schoolhouse work, you lot know things similar that. That’s sometimes gives parents a frame that tin flaming larn inwards easier to know how to parent inwards the human face of technology. I volition tell you lot I’m ideally really an adolescent, I don’t think whatever engineering scientific discipline should move into a kids room, in addition to I think at that spot should hold upwards negotiations with the adolescents for how long it stays inwards that room inwards how slow inwards the evening. I do think at that spot should hold upwards no engineering scientific discipline inwards the kids’ chamber equally they are sleeping or piece they are supposed to hold upwards sleeping. Bedrooms should hold upwards where kids slumber in addition to relax in addition to nosotros receive got thence much information at this bespeak showing that you lot know having access to that form of engineering scientific discipline really, profoundly interferes with our capacity to slumber in addition to relax. I think that’s a combat worth having.

[00:42:24]
Jonathan Singer: Again, I really similar how you lot presented a framework for thinking nearly engineering scientific discipline rather than maxim you lot know snap chat is bad, twitter is good, Facebook is bad, because those things are going to alter in addition to aren’t at that spot ways that you lot talked to parents nearly ways that they tin flaming verbalize to their kids?

Lisa Damour: Yea I think get-go starting with that thought that a lot of the engineering scientific discipline is unusual in addition to at that spot is a lot that’s non you lot know a lot of what kids are doing with engineering scientific discipline is the same materials nosotros were doing with merely really bad engineering scientific discipline of the fourth dimension you lot know. I think that’s a skillful position to start because I think it helps parents to experience similar it’s less of an enemy, they sympathize amend what’s happening. Influenza A virus subtype H5N1 lot of the questions I larn from parents are nearly how much to monitor, how heavily they demand to monitor their teenager. And I think this is an incredibly complicated interrogation inwards parenting at this point. So I think if you lot had a kid who has struggled to handle impulses online, who’s in addition to thence hateful or looked upwards materials they weren’t supposed to appear up, I think that’s a teenager who needs a pretty heavy dose monitoring in addition to until their impulses seem to hold upwards inwards amend control. I think if you lot monitored in addition to you lot know your teenager in addition to they managed themselves incredibly good both inwards somebody in addition to online I think the parent tin flaming pick out the license equally the adolescent progresses to non monitor thence carefully in addition to at the same fourth dimension I e'er think at that spot should hold upwards some conversation along the lines of you lot know what this is your phone, this is your figurer everything you lot do it populace in addition to permanent, if you lot do anything you lot shouldn’t hold upwards doing in addition to if I discovery out were going to receive got a large number I think those kinds of commentary are really important. But I experience similar sometimes I run into parents who receive got kids who are struggling with how they utilisation engineering scientific discipline in addition to the parent merely throws inwards the towel in addition to and thence I experience similar I got other families where nosotros receive got a really enterprise kid who is non misusing engineering scientific discipline at all in addition to the parents somehow feels similar at that spot non doing their project if they don’t sentinel it similar a hawk anyway in addition to I think its a really tough slice of parenting correct at nowadays but I sort of of experience happy to give parents permission to non attempt to rail every unmarried thing a teenager does especially when the teenager is treatment themselves quite well. You know if your going to process a kid sort of a mildly criminal way there’s going to receive got to hold upwards a argue for that.

[00:44:46]
Jonathan Singer: Right, thence Lisa before nosotros were talking nearly how much fun you lot had looking at the inquiry on attachment in addition to beingness able to interpret it for the full general public, thence you lot what is the inquiry ground for your book?

Lisa Damour: What you lot desire is a really faithful representation of what the inquiry says but it also should hold upwards readable in addition to interesting in addition to educational without beingness dry. And thence what was really fun for me in addition to writing this was to operate with what I know equally a clinician in addition to operate with what I run into inwards the 24-hour interval to day, operate with my ain preparation in addition to experience but in addition to thence walk upwards to sure bodies of research, similar the inquiry on attachment in addition to eruption in addition to repair in addition to attempt to wrap my arms around it in addition to state okay what’s a storey that I tin flaming tell from this inquiry that’s accurate but really helpful to a parent. That’s really the inquiry ground of the majority in addition to its especially useful the inquiry slice especially useful when at that spot are some unexpected facts at the halt of the majority inwards the chapter on adventure I verbalize nearly this extraordinary inquiry report that tracked the impact of MTV’s telly shows xvi in addition to pregnant. On pregnancy rates inwards the U.S. of A. in addition to it turns out that watching that demo did a huge amount to drib pregnancy rates with teenage girls.

[00:46:17]
Jonathan Singer: Wow.

Lisa Damour: Yea it’s a great storey of inquiry in addition to the inquiry methodology is fantastic in addition to it’s a great storey because it also shows if you lot demo girls the truth. If they receive got to human face what it way to hold upwards pregnant equally an adolescent they are smart in addition to they volition react past times using contraception or delaying sex. So the inquiry e'er becomes a friend through the majority to inwards places where I desire to brand a bespeak in addition to desire to larn inwards really strongly in addition to having inquiry behind that bespeak e'er helps to do that.

[00:46:47]
Jonathan Singer: Well in addition to I think that’s i of the things that I love nearly reading your majority was that you lot managed to, similar with the same page tell a beautiful anecdote, verbalize nearly a kid, call some research, in addition to you lot did it all thence seamlessly. It never felt similar I was beingness lectured to or that I was merely reading similar o this is Lisa’s latest therapy session, she merely happened to jot it downwards because she had an thought in addition to a one thousand words to larn through or whatever you lot know.

Lisa Damour: I think that for me the pick out away nearly taking tending of teenagers in addition to their parents is that its a huge fourth dimension of increase for everybody involved. And I think the to a greater extent than adults tin flaming opened upwards themselves to growing in addition to changing in addition to seeing things inwards novel ways equally their teenager does I think the amend it goes in addition to I think when everybody is anxious, everybody is afraid, its really hard to grow in addition to change. And if at that spot is anything I promise I tin flaming do with this majority would hold upwards to lower anxiety a piffling chip in addition to give parents a way to stand upwards dorsum in addition to appear at the large pic thence that they tin flaming bask their teenager to a greater extent than in addition to experience less nervous that they are going to miss something that would hold upwards critical to receive got picked upwards in addition to sort of bask the 24-hour interval to 24-hour interval a chip more.

[00:48:12]
Jonathan Singer: Well Lisa give cheers you lot thence much for taking the fourth dimension to verbalize with us nearly teenage girls, transitions to adulthood, in addition to your novel majority “Untangled”

Lisa Damour: Thank you lot for having me! This has been a total please to verbalize to you lot nearly it.

[END]

References in addition to Resources



APA (6th ed) citation for this podcast:

Singer, J. B. (Producer). (2016, Feb 9). #102 - Parenting teenage girls: Interview with Lisa Damour, Ph.D. [Audio Podcast]. Social Work Podcast. Retrieved from /search?q=13/business/media/mtvs-16-and-pregnant-derided-by-some-may-resonate-as-a-cautionary-tale
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